So this week we watched Peggy Sue Got Married. And when I
say ‘we’ I really mean me. I watched this movie all by myself. Like a big boy.
Are you proud of me?
So this is one of those clichéd Kathleen-Turner-is-at-her-25th-high-school-reunion-and-her-estranged-appliance-selling-husband-played-by-Nicolas-Cage-shows-up-and-she’s-all-like-“Oh-my”-in-her-deep-sultry-Kathleen-Turner-voice-right-before-she-faints-in-front-of-everyone-and-then-wakes-up-transported-back-in-time-to-1960-allowing-her-the-opportunity-to-rediscover-all-the-things-she-originally-loved-about-her-husband-plus-she-gets-to-smoke-reffer-with-the-mysterious-artsy-guy-but-it-turns-out-he-wants-to-move-her-to-a-farm-in-the-midwest-where-he-can-practice-polygamy-because-hey-it’s-the-60’s-free-love-and-all-that-kind-of-stuff tales. You know, that old story.
So this is one of those clichéd Kathleen-Turner-is-at-her-25th-high-school-reunion-and-her-estranged-appliance-selling-husband-played-by-Nicolas-Cage-shows-up-and-she’s-all-like-“Oh-my”-in-her-deep-sultry-Kathleen-Turner-voice-right-before-she-faints-in-front-of-everyone-and-then-wakes-up-transported-back-in-time-to-1960-allowing-her-the-opportunity-to-rediscover-all-the-things-she-originally-loved-about-her-husband-plus-she-gets-to-smoke-reffer-with-the-mysterious-artsy-guy-but-it-turns-out-he-wants-to-move-her-to-a-farm-in-the-midwest-where-he-can-practice-polygamy-because-hey-it’s-the-60’s-free-love-and-all-that-kind-of-stuff tales. You know, that old story.
Peggy Sue Got Locked In a Room Made of Clouds?
Before we move on to whatever asinine tangent I end up going
off on, I need to first address Nic Cage’s performance. IT WAS THE BALLS! He
plays a juvenile delinquent named Charlie, and although we’ve seen Nicolas Cage
play a juvenile delinquent here and here and here and here before, we’ve NEVER seen him play one while putting on a voice like this:
Um...WHAT? THAT’S AWESOME! It’s, like, the perfect nerdy
50’s high school voice. I’m wondering why all the high school kids in this
movie don’t have the same voice. They should’ve just overdubbed Nic Cage’s
voice over everyone else. Even the music. Just have him hum the score. And he
can do all the sound effects too. Like someone turns on a car and he can be
“ch-ch-ch-ch-vrrrrooommmomomom” as if the car were a nerdy 50’s high school
boy.
"Ch-ch-ch....do you want to go to prom with me?"
So this movie is all about second chances and if we were
given the opportunity, would we make the same choices? Would we make the same
mistakes? And it got me thinking, what sort of regrets do I have from my past? If
I could go back in time to when I was 18, what would I have done differently? I think if I went back, I'd
probably do more drugs and have more unprotected sex. I barely did any drugs in
high school and I still turned out a loser. What a waste, right?
Really though, let’s indulge this thought. I wonder what it
would be like if I fainted while typing this blog post and were magically
transported back to my senior year in high school...
[cue dreamy harp music as we fade to hypothetical flashback]
It is April 2001. The
World Trade Center still stands. Only 1 person I know has a cell phone. I’ve
finally managed to control my boners in class. And in three months, I’m finally
going to graduate and marry my high school sweetheart, Nicolas Cage.
Nic Cage: Hey Danger Sue! It’s me your high school sweetheart Nic Cage – er...I mean, Charlie or whatever my character name is.
Me: Hey, Nic Cage.
Nic Cage: Danger Sue, as you know my Backstreet Boys
cover band is really taking off. Some record guy is coming to check out our show
or something like that. We’re destined for greatness. Here, check it out. Jim Carrey even has a bit part as one of the dudes in my band:
Me: Nah, dawg. I’ve been to the future. Actually, it’s
not even the future. It’s the present. This is the past. Anyway, I’ve seen how
your “band” turns out and you’re no A.J. McLean. You’re an actor – er...I mean,
you’re an appliance salesman. And we’re estranged. I’m a huge fan of your movies,
Nicolas Cage, and you don’t even know I exist. You end up fooling around with some
chick in your appliance store and it hurts my feelings. I’m gonna go hang out
with the artsy kids and we can talk about American Beauty and Magnolia and other artsy
film that just got released that are much more thought provoking than this dumb
Peggy Sue Got Married nightmare I’m
stuck in. The artsy kids smoke cigarettes and are waaaaaaaay coooooler than you.
Nic Cage: Dang!
CUT TO: Later that
night. Or maybe, like, a month later or something. I don’t know. Who cares?
Nic Cage: Hey Danger Sue. So my Backstreet Boys cover
band didn’t work out.
Me: That’s okay. I love you anyway because I think
the movie we’re in needs to end soon.
Nic Cage: Cool. I’m gonna go star in The Family Man now. I think that came
out in 2001. I don’t remember exactly.
[cue dreamy harpy music again as we fade into me typing this
blog again]
Wha – what happened? I swear I was a senior in high school
again. I remember it so vividly! Like I was just typing it now! Whew. I’m so
glad I’m back to being 30-years-old again. Life is so much better when you’re
older and more mature. You can buy beer and you grow out of laughing at
well-timed fart jokes.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
Well I guess some things never change.
3 Cageheads out of 5.
