It’s been a minute since the last post. Life gets busy every once in a while and sometimes my other responsibilities supersede even Nicolas Cage. I’d apologize, but fuck you – this blog is free and I don’t owe you anything. I barely get any hits here anyway. I bet you’re not even reading this right now. You’re probably looking at porn. You disgust me.
So this week I watched a movie called Never On Tuesday. Here’s the trailer, since chances are you’ve never heard of it:
Um...yea...I couldn't find a trailer. Sorry. Just look at the damn poster and pretend it's moving, okay?
So based off the picture above, I suspect you're thinking something along the lines of "Wait a minute here, where the hell is Nicolas Cage?"
Well here’s the thing...Mr. Cage only has a cameo in this movie. That's it! One teeny, tiny, twiney, twinny, twippy, twoppy, woppey, popey little scene. But let me tell you – IT’S A FUCKIN’ SWEET CAMEO! I know all you Cage-o-philes are dying to see it, so let me save you the trouble of queuing this horseshit up on your Netflix and just show you the scene in its entirety:
Boom! I watched this whole dumb movie just for that one little clip.
Pretty cool nose prosthetic though.
According to IMDB, Cage’s character is named Man in Red Sports Car, which I assume is because he’s a man and he’s in a red sports car. It also lists him as “uncredited” - although how “uncredited” can you be if you’re listed on IMDB? It’s like, we all know it’s you Cage. Even with that fake-ass schnozz on. No amount of make-up can hide your trademark overacting, dude:
So this movie is about these two guys, Matt and Eddie (Andrew Lauer and Peter Berg) on this cross-country trip from somewhere on the East Coast to the sunny beaches of California. There they plan to spend the rest of their vacation checking out the bikini babes because, apparently, they’ve never seen a set of boobs and taking a 2500-mile trek is the most logical way to remedy that. They’re driving through the desert when they get into a head-on collision with another car driven by this bodacious 80s babe named Tuesday (Claudia Christian). The three of them are now stuck in the desert and since no one has a cell phone they’re just gonna sit there and wait to die under the unforgiving southwestern sun. Luckily Cage shows up just in time to mock them for getting into an accident before driving off again. One by one, a whole bunch of 80s film and television staples stop by to mock the 3 accident victims – Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Gilbert Gottfried, Judd Nelson.
....wait a second...Gilbert Gottfried? What the fuck?
Anyway, nobody helps them. And instead of being rescued the two boys pretty much just fantasize about banging Tuesday the whole time. And then the movie ends.
Crappily Ever After
So this movie seems like a slice of good ol’ fashioned screwball fun, but that’s because the filmmakers were focusing too much on the titties and ignoring the darker existential questions this movie poses. Never On Tuesday got me thinking about myself and how I might react in a dire life and death situation such as this. If I were stranded in the desert too, with my best buddy and some random hottie, what would I say? Think? Do?
Pondering Life's BIG Questions...
Well, for starters, my buddy is obviously Nicolas Cage in this scenario. We’re coked up to the gills, riding across the Bonneville Salt Flats of Utah, the top down on the convertible, shirts off. Pants off, too. Why not? It’s the Bonneville Salt Flats of Utah. Ain’t no one around to tell us no.
So Nic looks over and accidentally sees my GIANT WIENER, and while basking in its heavenly and radiant glow, he loses control of the car and smashes it head-first into another car driven by none other than pop music mega-star KATY PERRY! Luckily, her airbags were deployed and are now sitting there all luscious on the front of her chest so she’s not even hurt. In case you didn’t get that last joke, let me clarify: I’m saying her boobs are airbags.
Nic and I slap high-five, jumping into the air and kicking both our legs up as we do it. What luck! We were on an odyssey to see some boobs anyway, and fortuitously, a pair of super-famous, super-nice ta-ta’s just fell into our laps! All we had to do was drive with reckless and egregious negligence! Let that be a lesson to all you kids out there. If you want girls to notice you, hit them with your car.
But now here’s the problem – who gets the first crack at hitting on Katy? Should it be Nic Cage, because of his movie star status? Or should it be me because of that GIANT WIENER thing I mentioned two paragraphs ago? But hey, this is the 80s, and Nic and I are modern guys and we believe in women’s lib and all that stuff so instead of flipping a coin (which we forgot to bring anyway!) we ask Katy:
“Hey Katy, who would you like to sleep with first?” Nic asks her.
“I’m a lesbian,” she says.
“d’AWAAAAAH?” Nic and I say in unison.
Then she goes on her iPhone pulls up her video for "I Kissed a Girl" on YouTube.
“Hey! Where’d you get that future phone?” Nic says.
“Mr. Cage, this is not a 'future phone.' It’s not the 1980s anymore. I don't know why you keep saying that,” she says. “If it were the 80s, I'd still be a little kid. I was only 5 when this stupid Never On Tuesday movie came out. The year is 2013. Everyone has an iPhone. Even orphans. And besides, none of this is really happening anyway. It's all just a bad joke on some dude's dumb blog."
We have a good laugh. She calls a tow truck. Movie ends.
What I saying before? Oh yeah, existential questions. Here we go: How long do you think we’d be stranded before Katy and I started eating Nicolas Cage? I can’t really speak for her (Ms. Perry, please feel free to send me an email answering this question) but for myself I’d give it a good solid 2 hours before I started chowing down on Cage’s creamy hamstring.
Look, don't judge me. I’m not the monster here. I just have a very strict diet. I’m pretty sure you can eat human flesh and still be a vegetarian, right?