Birdy (1984)

Birdy.

A movie about birds. And war. And friendship. And insanity. And...I suppose I don't rightly know. Just watch the trailer:

Okay, so basically it's a movie about Matthew Modine running around flapping his arms like an asshole while a dramatic 80's movie score plays in the background.

But fuck Matthew Modine, right? This is Nicolas Uncaged. Not Matthew Unmodined.

So far we’ve seen Nicolas Cage play a fry cook, a juvenile delinquent, a juvenile delinquent, a juvenile delinquent, and a grown-up delinquent. In Birdy, Mr. Cage FINALLY steps out of his comfort zone and begins to stretch his acting muscle.

Oh wait, he's a juvenile delinquent again.

Hey, at least he’s finally got top billing this time around...

OH WHAT THE FUCK, MODINE? GET YOUR SKINNY ASS OUTTA HERE.

Okay, so this movie came out a while ago and I don’t think it was all that popular back then, and even if it was popular it has long since faded into pop-culture oblivion, meaning that I’m going to assume that you, Person Reading This Post Right Now, have never seen it. That’s too bad, really, because I have a lot of funny stuff I’m planning on talking about here and a lot of it is going to hinge on pivotal plot points in the film and you're not going to have any idea what's going on. And since I'm only planning on making this post around 1000 words, I’m not going to be able to waste the time and space it would take to recap this shit proper. That's all I did that the last post for The Cotton Club and it was boring as fuck for me. I ain't doing it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, who gives a shit about me, right? This blog has Nicolas Cage’s name written all over it. Who cares what I'm thinking? But guess what, Hypothetical Reader? Cage is probably in Hollywood somewhere doing a line of coke off a hookers poop ring and he has no idea this blog even exists. I’m the one sitting here on my couch watching all these movies and spending all this time writing about it. I could be writing other things. Or doing coke off a hooker’s poop ring. So excuse me if I don’t feel like using this forum to rehash the plot of something you can easily look up yourself on Rotten Tomatoes.

See that picture. See how angry I am? I've got a threatening balled fist and everything.

Huh? What’d you just say? YOU’RE LEAVING?!?

Look, I wasn’t yelling at you, I was yelling with you. 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S NOT A THING?!

Fine, fine. If I do a quick synopsis, will you stay and read the rest of my post?

Good

fucker

So in this movie, Cage and Modine play Al and Birdy. They're best friends who live in Philadelphia and Cage is all smooth with the ladies and shit like he is in every movie, but Modine is this nerdy fuck who’s totally in love with birds. I’m not even speaking figuratively. The dude is actually sexually attracted to birds.

Uh-oh. I think I’m getting a strange feeling for birds too.

Look, I'm not judging the guy for his choice of lifestyle. Modine wants to strip butt-naked and french kiss a canary in a bedroom in his parent's house, that's nobody's business but his and the birds. Is this not America? Doesn't he deserve the same right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness that's afforded to everyone else? #legalizebirdmarriage2013

So Al and Birdy get into shenanigans around town, most of it involving birds or bird-related stuff, bird hunting, dressing up like birds, climbing telephone poles, crapping on people, etc. Birdy builds these wing out of garbage and tries to fly and it looks like it’s going to work for a second, but he ends up landing face fist in this puddle of dirty junkyard water. It was a pretty cool scene, even though it was one of those magical moments that can only happen in a movie. In real life, you’d be all like “enjoy your dysentery, bitch.”

Eventually, Birdy and Al get shipped off to Viet-goddamn-Nam. They undergo the horrors of war and shit. They survive, but not without scars. Cage has a bandage covering his whole face except his eyes and part of his cheek, which I think was supposed to imply he has a horrible facial disfigurement under there, but I suspect that they didn’t actually carve up the actor’s face. Birdy’s scars are of the psychological variety and now the dude is locked up in an insane asylum and he actually thinks he’s a bird. This really begs the question though, what makes a bird a bird? Is it the wings and feathers and biology and shit, or is it, ya know, thinking you’re a bird? More importantly than that, what does that mean for our quest to legalize bird marriage? #legalizebirdmarriage2013

Here's a video of Nicolas Cage's best speech from the film:

Um...yeah. War is hell. I believe what this movie is really saying is that if you go to war, you’re probably going to become a bird. Hey, speaking of bird’s and hell and stuff like that, did you guys know that Snuffleupagus was Big Birds imaginary friend? No shit. Big Bird was the only one who saw him for years and years. Then, in the 17^th season of the show, Big Bird decided that he wanted the adults and Elmo and stuff to see Snuffleupagus too so he arranged to have them meet. And, they did. The people in the “real” world met Big Bird’s imaginary friend. Big Bird literally willed this fucked-up wooly mammoth into existence. That's a pretty profound! It's stuff like that that makes me wonder: What is self? Can I be a dream of someone else? And if I am, does that preclude me from actually existing? All of this in a preschoolers television show.

Big Bird meets Snuffy for the very first time.

Not to get off topic, but after watching that Sesame Street clip above, I'm pretty sure that Snuffleupagus is on heroin. And he talks just like Ronald Regan. Shit, man, he's kinda freaking me out. Like, if I were to bring a being into existence, it certainly wouldn't be this Regan-voiced elephant junkie creature. If I were creating monsters, it'd probably be a chick made out of 8000 boobs. And she'd be all super horny and be ready for sex, like, on demand. And I wouldn't let that little wienerhead Elmo anywhere near her because she'd be all like "Awwwwww" every time he comes around and I'd be standing there with my boner in my hand thinking "Look lady, I didn't just spontaneously will you into consciousness so you could dote on this lispy red muppet." Then Elmo would make a sad face and I'd think he was cute too and I'd feel bad for badmouthing him.

So let's get back to Nic Cage, shall we?

When I heard the title Birdy, I pictured something a little more akin to this:

I'm not going to lie, if there were a movie where Nicolas Cage had a falcon instead of hair, I'd probably give at least 2 months worth of pay to see it. Birdy 2. This time, Nic Cage is Birdy and he has a bird for hair and they go on many adventures together. Sort of like Bill & Ted meet Big Trouble in Little China. Except with more bird hair.

All in all, this was quite an enjoyable movie. Probably the best one I've seen since Nicolas Uncaged began. If you get a chance to see it, I suggest you do. If you don't get a chance to see it, consider donating a few dollars to help our cause anyway:

#legalizebirdmarriage2013

 

4 Cageheads out of 5.