This week on Nicolas Uncaged we watched The Boy in Blue, a movie that finally answers the age-old question, "What the fuck is sculling and why in the hell would anyone want to make a movie about it?"
Well, the latter part of that question I'm afraid I don't have an answer to. As for the former, apparently sculling is just rowboating. I think they just call it sculling because it sounds way more bad-ass than rowing. Like, "Yo! I'm fuckin' sculling over here, you wimpy sonuvabitch! Now get outta my way before I crack your cracker ass with a goddamn oar!" as opposed to some nerdy white guy being all like, "Honey, have you seen my Ralph Lauren loafers? Hunter and I wanted to have a few highballs out on the Schuylkill this afternoon."
What rowboating has to do with that Rambo-looking Nicolas Cage in the movie poster above is beyond me. They were probably just trying to lure some ladies into the theater by teasing some male nipple action. Ladies love male nipple action.
So The Boy in Blue is a pretty straightforward biopic about real life sculler Ned Hanlan, who, in the mid 1870s, was the bad boy of Canada's professional rowing circuit. Yeah, there's a bad boy of professional rowing. There's a boy boy of everything, apparently:
See?
This was Nicolas Cage's first legitimate starring role where he didn't have to share all of his screen time with that dweeby Matthew Modine motherfucker. As far as his performance goes, there has definitely been an evolution in Cage's acting style between Valley Girl a few years back and this. He seems more comfortable on the screen. He seems to command the role, if that makes any sense. He has a way of making the characters he plays become him, as opposed to him melding into the character and The Boy in Blue is really the first glimpse we get at Mr. Cage finally spreading his acting wings.
In the film, he plays the titular 'boy in blue' Ned Hanlan and he was in every single scene of the movie. That is, except for this one:
Oh, sorry. That was something else. Here's an actual clip from the movie:
Oh! Faked you out again! Psych!
So listen, Dear Readers, I'm not going to mince words here. I found this The Boy in Blue movie to be boring as shit. Not actual shit, mind you, which can be somewhat interesting depending on its size and where its located. This movie was as boring as conceptual shit. In fact, the most exciting part of the whole movie was the trailer I just posted above with the raspy narrator and Flash Gordon-style music. I imagine if the real Ned Hanlan were as bad-ass as they say he was, I bet he'd watch this movie and be all like, "What the hell, man? This movie is as boring as conceptual shit." In fact, if he were to walk into the room while I was in the middle of watching the film, I suspect the conversation would've gone a little something like this:
NED
Um, hey, what's going on?
ME
Aaagggh! Who the fuck are you and what are you doing in my apartment?!?
NED
Relax, dude. It's me. Ned Hanlan.
ME
ME
Ned Hanlan? Like the guy in the movie I'm watching?
NED
Um...what the hell is a movie?
ME
You don't know what a movie is?
NED
Bitch, I was born in 1855. How about you stop being such a dick about it and enlighten me.
ME
[pointing to the TV]
Okay, well, there it is...
NED
What the - what kind of witchcraft are you practicing in here, boy?
ME
They don't have TVs where you're from?
NED
Dude, do you think I'd be wasting my goddamn days rowboating around Canada if I had literally anything else to do?
ME
That's a good point. According to the movie, though, you're one of the best scullers to ever live. That's gotta feel pretty good.
NED
[sarcastic]
Yeah. Yippee! I'm the best out of like...9 people. And what is this you're saying? They made a movie about my life?
ME
Hey, I'm just as surprised as you are.
NED
Do you have a problem with my chosen profession? Huh?
ME
No. Of course not. I do have a problem when my journey through the filmography of Nicolas Cage takes a left turn into the steaming pile of horsepoop that is this film.
NED
Who is this Nicolas Cage character you speak of?
ME
Oh man. Ned, he's this totally awesome actor. He's all crazy and animated and shit. He brings a certain...color to the characters he plays. Makes 'em seem both real and hyper-real at the same time, ya know? But then, just when you think you got this guy's style down - he does the old switcheroo on you and he plays a subtle and nuanced character, really digging into what makes a character human. And then - switcharoo again! He's the motherfuckin' GHOST RIDER!
NED
Ghost Rider?
ME
Yeah, fool. Nic Cage is pretty much the shit. I even run a blog on the internet called Nicolas Uncaged where I write these silly, nonsensical, pseudophilosphical posts about his movies.
NED
I don't know what a blog is, nor do I know what the internet is.
ME
The internet is a network of computers that share common information across the entire world and a blog is a page on the internet where a person, such as myself, can post articles about whatever subject they choose. Mine is about Nicolas Cage. And, here's the ironic part, I'm actually writing the blog RIGHT NOW!
NED
How are you writing on it right now? You're sitting in a room talking to me.
ME
No we're not. We're only talking in my imagination. What's actually happening is I'm sitting on my couch on a Friday at 11:08pm and I'm just sorta pulling this entire article out of my ass. I decided to do this meta-reality thing where I reference both you, myself and the blog as if we are all just characters in a blog about a blog...or something like that. It's all very confusing. I just thought it would be funny if I had a conversation with the "real" Ned Hanlan - you - who is actually not the real Ned Hanlan, but rather just my own imagination.
NED
Wow, dude. You really like the sound of your own voice, don't you?
ME
Nice try, man, but you can't rip on me because I'm the one who decides what you say and if I make fun of myself it's self-deprecating and clever and down-to-Earth and shit.
NED
This has all been fun, buddy, but you're wrong about me. I am real. I'm standing right here in front of you.
ME
How can you be real? Huh? The real Ned Hanlan died over 100 years ago. He's dead and buried.
NED
Not quite. I'm undead. And...unburied, I suppose. I'm what you would call a zombie. A flesh-eater. An unholy cannibal brought back to life with Santeria and black magic and stuff like that. I was a sculler back when I was alive and now I'm a monster come here to pop your skull open and scoop out those delicious brains.
ME
Nah. That's stupid.
NED
Excuse me? What's stupid?
ME
The whole zombie-angle-Shyamalan-twist-at-the-end here. It's a stupid way to end this bit.
NED
Huh. Well how do you think it should end? This whole conversation is running a little long. I'm going to assume most people stopped reading waaaaaaaay before they got here. And now you've kinda written yourself into a corner.
ME
I really did, didn't I?
NED
Yeah. So what then? How do we close out the article?
ME
I don't know. You wanna get a bite to eat or something? There's a great 24-hour diner just down the street.
NED
Nice! Do you think they have disco fries there?
ME
Duh.
NED
Sweet, dude. I love me some disco fries.
NED
Who is this Nicolas Cage character you speak of?
ME
Oh man. Ned, he's this totally awesome actor. He's all crazy and animated and shit. He brings a certain...color to the characters he plays. Makes 'em seem both real and hyper-real at the same time, ya know? But then, just when you think you got this guy's style down - he does the old switcheroo on you and he plays a subtle and nuanced character, really digging into what makes a character human. And then - switcharoo again! He's the motherfuckin' GHOST RIDER!
NED
Ghost Rider?
ME
Yeah, fool. Nic Cage is pretty much the shit. I even run a blog on the internet called Nicolas Uncaged where I write these silly, nonsensical, pseudophilosphical posts about his movies.
NED
I don't know what a blog is, nor do I know what the internet is.
ME
The internet is a network of computers that share common information across the entire world and a blog is a page on the internet where a person, such as myself, can post articles about whatever subject they choose. Mine is about Nicolas Cage. And, here's the ironic part, I'm actually writing the blog RIGHT NOW!
NED
How are you writing on it right now? You're sitting in a room talking to me.
ME
No we're not. We're only talking in my imagination. What's actually happening is I'm sitting on my couch on a Friday at 11:08pm and I'm just sorta pulling this entire article out of my ass. I decided to do this meta-reality thing where I reference both you, myself and the blog as if we are all just characters in a blog about a blog...or something like that. It's all very confusing. I just thought it would be funny if I had a conversation with the "real" Ned Hanlan - you - who is actually not the real Ned Hanlan, but rather just my own imagination.
NED
Wow, dude. You really like the sound of your own voice, don't you?
ME
Nice try, man, but you can't rip on me because I'm the one who decides what you say and if I make fun of myself it's self-deprecating and clever and down-to-Earth and shit.
NED
This has all been fun, buddy, but you're wrong about me. I am real. I'm standing right here in front of you.
ME
How can you be real? Huh? The real Ned Hanlan died over 100 years ago. He's dead and buried.
NED
Not quite. I'm undead. And...unburied, I suppose. I'm what you would call a zombie. A flesh-eater. An unholy cannibal brought back to life with Santeria and black magic and stuff like that. I was a sculler back when I was alive and now I'm a monster come here to pop your skull open and scoop out those delicious brains.
ME
Nah. That's stupid.
NED
Excuse me? What's stupid?
ME
The whole zombie-angle-Shyamalan-twist-at-the-end here. It's a stupid way to end this bit.
NED
Huh. Well how do you think it should end? This whole conversation is running a little long. I'm going to assume most people stopped reading waaaaaaaay before they got here. And now you've kinda written yourself into a corner.
ME
I really did, didn't I?
NED
Yeah. So what then? How do we close out the article?
ME
I don't know. You wanna get a bite to eat or something? There's a great 24-hour diner just down the street.
NED
Nice! Do you think they have disco fries there?
ME
Duh.
NED
Sweet, dude. I love me some disco fries.
1 Cagehead out of 5.
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