Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Vampire's Kiss

Holy. Fucking. Shitballs.

Did you watch that trailer? If you didn’t, please stop reading this and go watch that trailer. I’ll wait...

...

Done?

Okay. Now to imagine what this movie is like, take what you saw in that trailer there and picture it for an hour and forty minutes. I’ll wait...

...

Just kidding. You think I’m gonna sit here for an hour and forty minutes and wait for you? I’ve got shit to do. People to see. Cage movies to watch. Plus you don’t even need to use your imagination because some kind and benevolent soul has taken the liberty of uploading the whole goddamn movie to YouTube.

A whole movie for free on YouTube? Why has no studio claimed copyright infringement? I mean, in this era of the multi-eyed internet, how can you just throw a pirated copy of a movie up on a free video hosting site without catching the attention of at least somebody involved? But apparently it happened.  My guess is that no one associated in the making of this film wants to admit to having anything to do with it. Which is a damn shame because THIS IS ONE OF THE CAGE-IEST MOVIE EVER MADE!

Here’s another video, full of a bunch of ridiculous moments from this movie, just in case those caps locks in the last paragraph aren’t getting my point across:

Man, the 80’s were a weird time for cinema. And humanity in general. But mostly for cinema. In what other decade could a movie like this possibly exist? It’s like a satire that isn’t really satirizing anything. Let me attempt to recant the “plot” to you now: Nicolas Cage plays Peter Loew - an 80's business guy who likes to walk around NYC and be all 80's and shit. One night he meets a seductive young lady named Rachel who turns out to be a vampire. She bites his neck. Cage starts to slowly lose his mind, thinking he's changing into a vampire too. But he's actually not. He's just crazy. Then there's some other dramatic shit that happens with his secretary that is sort've hard to follow and really doesn't have any bearing on anything. The movie is sorta like American Psycho, except starring Nicolas Cage and it's about vampires.

But none of that matters.

The story is a rambling, borderline insane string of disjointed scenes that seem to exist for no other reason than to showcase how fucking over-the-top Nicolas Cage can be.

What the - ?

Nicolas Cage?!? What the hell are you doing here in my blog? And you’re still in the character of Peter Loew from Vampire’s Kiss? Sweet! Although I think my readers would like to get to know the “real” you.

You certainly did not! We’re all friends here, aren’t we?

Well...I mean...I suppose we can adopt...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Nicolas Cage, you put your clothes back on this instant! This isn’t Cage’s Palace O’ Love! It’s a respectable-goddamn-blog on the internet. My mom could be reading this.

Hey, it’s understandable. I’m a good-looking dude.

But, listen, Nic, my readers want to know more about this movie here. Perhaps you have some insight you’d like to share with us. What was it like filming Vampire’s Kiss?

That bad?

Okay. Look, I’m not trying to pry, but to have you visit us here in screencap version, it’s pretty exciting. It’s not every day we get pictures of celebrities coming in here to talk to us. Mainly because pictures don't talk. Now do you want to apologize?

It’s cool, Cagey-pants. I forgive you.

Awwww. You’re a gem. A gem of the silver screen! Now speaking of the silver screen, let me ask you this question, in regards to the plot of this movie *ahem* WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!

No. You need to explain yourself. You’re going to win an Oscar one day. What the fuck were you thinking?

Are you cursing at me? Jesus. You goddamn Hollywood elitists are all the same. You think you can come in here in shit down everyone’s throat? You think you can pop up on my webpage, uninvited, and belittle me and boss me around? Why would I do anything you say?

I ain’t doing shit. Not with that attitude.

Ya, you already said that, like, three panels up. Repeat yourself much? Hahaha. And anyway, what are you talking about? You came in here and interrupted me?!

My God. You’re on drugs, aren’t you? Is that why you did this movie?

...bite your tongue! We will not have language like that on this blog. We refer to cunts only by nice names, like pussies or twats. I’m – I’m glad you stopped by Nic, but this conversation has totally derailed and I have a post to finish. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Yes. It’s the end. Do you have anything you’d like to say before you go, possibly about me and how thrilled you are I've dedicated this whole blog to you?

Nicolas Cage, ladies and gentlemen!

Okay, before I wrap this post up, I want to take a moment to let you know about an epiphany that I had while I was in the middle of viewing Vampire’s Kiss:

Watching the evolution of Cage, in the chronological order that I’ve been, it is becoming increasingly clear what is so magnanimous about this actor. Why people are always talking about him. Why he inspires literally THOUSANDS OF MEME’S that are clogging up the arties of the internet like hamburger grease as we speak. It is his willingness to commit, ham-fisted or not, to the source material – however inane, silly, or sometimes brilliant that may be. I think there is something liberating about watching someone who not only brings his all, but something that is so quintessentially “him” to a role as goofy as that of ­­Peter Loew in Vampire’s Kiss. Nicolas Cage is a guy who is telling us that not only is there art in this schlock, but he’s almost mocking us for not acknowledging it in the first place. Looking at this movie and beyond, you can clearly see there are seeds here that he’s going to continue to water throughout his career. Something about this speaks as a true artist, Cage taking on the challenge of amalgamating a character as ridiculous as Loew into him and transforming it (almost as one might transform into a vampire) into an wholly original and completely memorable performance.

Say what you will about the plot of this movie, Nicolas Cage fuckin’ OWNED IT!

5 Cageheads out of 5.

(And I would like to thank the lovely Miss Erika Instead for taking the time to nab all those screencaps I used in my “conversation” with Nic. THANKS ERIKA! YOU’RE THE BEST!)