Vampire's Kiss
Holy. Fucking. Shitballs.
Did you watch that trailer? If you
didn’t, please stop reading this and go watch that trailer. I’ll wait...
...
Done?
Okay. Now to imagine what this movie
is like, take what you saw in that trailer there and picture it for an hour and
forty minutes. I’ll wait...
...
Just kidding. You think I’m gonna
sit here for an hour and forty minutes and wait for you? I’ve got shit to do.
People to see. Cage movies to watch. Plus you don’t even need to use your
imagination because some kind and benevolent soul has taken the liberty of
uploading the whole goddamn movie to YouTube.
A whole movie for free on YouTube? Why has
no studio claimed copyright infringement? I mean, in this era of the multi-eyed internet, how can you just throw a pirated copy of a movie up on a free video hosting site without catching the attention of at least somebody involved? But apparently it happened. My guess is that no one associated in
the making of this film wants to admit to having anything to do with it. Which
is a damn shame because THIS IS ONE OF THE CAGE-IEST MOVIE EVER MADE!
Here’s another video, full of a bunch of ridiculous moments from this movie, just in case
those caps locks in the last paragraph aren’t getting my point across:
But none of that matters.
The story is a rambling, borderline
insane string of disjointed scenes that seem to exist for no other reason than
to showcase how fucking over-the-top Nicolas Cage can be.
What the - ?
Nicolas Cage?!? What the hell are
you doing here in my blog? And you’re still in the character of Peter Loew from Vampire’s Kiss?
Sweet! Although I think my readers would like to get to know the “real” you.
You certainly did not! We’re all
friends here, aren’t we?
Well...I mean...I suppose we can
adopt...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Nicolas Cage, you put your clothes
back on this instant! This isn’t Cage’s Palace O’ Love! It’s a respectable-goddamn-blog on the internet. My mom could be reading this.
Hey, it’s understandable. I’m a
good-looking dude.
But, listen, Nic, my readers want to
know more about this movie here. Perhaps you have some insight you’d like to
share with us. What was it like filming Vampire’s Kiss?
That bad?
Okay. Look, I’m not trying to pry,
but to have you visit us here in screencap version, it’s pretty exciting. It’s
not every day we get pictures of celebrities coming in here to talk to us. Mainly because pictures don't talk. Now
do you want to apologize?
It’s cool, Cagey-pants. I forgive
you.
Awwww. You’re a gem. A gem of the
silver screen! Now speaking of the silver screen, let me ask you this question, in regards to the plot of
this movie *ahem* WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!
No. You need to explain yourself. You’re
going to win an Oscar one day. What the fuck were you thinking?
Are you cursing at me? Jesus. You goddamn
Hollywood elitists are all the same. You think you can come in here in shit
down everyone’s throat? You think you can pop up on my webpage, uninvited, and belittle me and boss
me around? Why would I do anything you say?
I ain’t doing shit. Not with that
attitude.
Ya, you already said that, like, three panels up. Repeat yourself much? Hahaha. And anyway, what are you talking about? You came
in here and interrupted me?!
My God. You’re on drugs, aren’t you?
Is that why you did this movie?
...bite your tongue! We will not
have language like that on this blog. We refer to cunts only by nice names, like
pussies or twats. I’m – I’m glad you stopped by Nic, but this conversation has
totally derailed and I have a post to finish. I’m afraid I’m going to have to
ask you to leave.
Yes. It’s the end. Do you have
anything you’d like to say before you go, possibly about me and how thrilled you are I've dedicated this whole blog to you?
Nicolas Cage, ladies and gentlemen!
Okay, before I wrap this post up, I
want to take a moment to let you know about an epiphany that I had while I was
in the middle of viewing Vampire’s Kiss:
Watching the evolution of Cage, in
the chronological order that I’ve been, it is becoming increasingly clear what
is so magnanimous about this actor. Why people are always talking about him.
Why he inspires literally THOUSANDS OF MEME’S that are clogging up the arties
of the internet like hamburger grease as we speak. It is his willingness to
commit, ham-fisted or not, to the source material – however inane, silly, or
sometimes brilliant that may be. I think there is something liberating about watching
someone who not only brings his all, but something that is so quintessentially “him” to
a role as goofy as that of Peter Loew in Vampire’s Kiss. Nicolas Cage is a guy who is
telling us that not only is there art in this schlock, but he’s almost mocking us
for not acknowledging it in the first place. Looking at this movie and beyond,
you can clearly see there are seeds here that he’s going to continue to water
throughout his career. Something about this speaks as a true artist, Cage
taking on the challenge of amalgamating a character as ridiculous as Loew into
him and transforming it (almost as one might transform into a vampire) into an
wholly original and completely memorable performance.
Say what you will about the plot of this movie,
Nicolas Cage fuckin’ OWNED IT!
5 Cageheads out of 5.
(And I would like to thank the
lovely Miss Erika Instead for taking the time to nab all those screencaps I used
in my “conversation” with Nic. THANKS ERIKA! YOU’RE THE BEST!)
