Moonstruck (1987)

moon-struck [moon-struhk]
adj.
1. mentally deranged, supposedly by the influence of the moon; crazed
2. dreamily romantic or bemused

So that’s the dictionary definition of Moonstruck, and certainly it is an affliction suffered by most of the characters in this movie. F’real. Everybody is fuckin’ everybody in this film. It’s like a big, happy, romantic adulterous orgy. Nicolas Cage is banging Cher who is engaged to Danny Aiello, Cher’s mom considers getting some from this weinery dude with a penchant for getting drinks dumped on him in restaurants who also happens to be Frasier's dad, and her dad, Mr. Mushnik, is slipping the pickle to some older babe who isn't Cher. I bet even the dude playing the grandpa was choking the chicken in the scenes between the scenes. Point is, there was a lot of sex in this movie. No nudity though. I thought we should’ve been treated to a crack shot or two from Cage. I mean, he wasn’t afraid to show butt in Rumble Fish, he certainly shouldn’t have been afraid to show it in this Academy Award winning movie.

That’s right. Moonstruck won several Academy Awards in the year it came out, and it’s pretty easy to see why. This shit was a good movie. It was funny with a tint of darkness and heartwarming without being cheap. Plus Cher is a good fuggin’ actress. I suppose people from my generation really consider Cher to be more of...I don’t know...an inspiration for gay dudes to prance around in assless chaps.

Fabulous!

But the homosexual community has got the right idea. This chick rocks. She’s a good actress and she was not bad looking and she deserves all the exposed butt-cheeked dance routines in the world as tribute for all that she has brought mankind. Man, if I was just a little bit gayer, I’d be rocking a pair of biker shorts and singing to some horny sailor boys right now.

Alas, though, this is Nicolas Uncaged, and we’re here to talk about the man himself, Nicolas Cage and not what I’d do as a female impersonator.

Here’s a tidbit that I pulled right off of IMDB’s trivia page: 

Nicolas Cage's screen test didn't impress the studio, and they wanted to get someone else to play Ronny. But Cher insisted that Cage was the one to play that role, and threatened to quit unless he was hired. After a few days, the studio relented.

So that's ANOTHER reason why Cher rules. She's a total Cage fan too! Hey Cher, if you're reading this right now and you want to do a guest post some time, I'd be totally cool with that.

Here’s a song that encapsulates what it’s like to be in love, Italian-style:

 

Skip to 1:45 for a bonus treat of Cage delivering a line in only the way Nicolas Cage can.

You gotta "hand" it to him, that was some fancy acting. 

So, here’s a question this film indirectly asks:

Can we really choose who we love?

In the film, Cher is a 37-year-old widow with a chip on her shoulder who believes in curses. She’s agrees to marry Danny Aiello because he’s a decent guy, has some cash, and he’s apparently into 37-year-old widows with chips on their shoulders. Circumstances send Aiello to Sicily to tend to his dying mother. In the intrim, he asks Cher to convince his estranged brother (Nic Cage) to attend the wedding. Cher tracks Cage down and they pretty much have sex immediately because of true love and all that shit.

So here's what I'm wondering: Should Cher feel bad about cheating on her hubs-to-be? I mean, arguably that’s some scum-bag maneuvering, sliding up on Cage’s pole like that, but it all worked out for the best in the end, right? The real question I suppose is what exactly is true love and is that what we should be looking for?

Here’s some more dictionary definitions for your face:

true-love [troo-luhv]
noun
a sweetheart; a truly loving or loved person

Uh....gee...that was helpful....

My point here is  that everyone always says you should follow your heart, but is following your heart an adequate reason to disregard someone else’s feelings? Think of Cher and Cage in this movie. Like, even if her fiancee wasn’t that into her, it’s still gotta feel shitty to get cheated on. And it is still ethically wrong. And a total dick thing to do. And if a major part of being intimate with someone is being physically intimate with that person how do you know it’s ‘true love’ pushing you there or just the fact you wanna get your parts wet with someone else who looks good? Because, Jeez, if that were the case, I experience true love, like, 15 times a day.

The fact that it doesn’t offer up a maudlin answer to this "true love" question is what made this movie so good. Maybe there really isn’t a differnece between true love and true sex. Maybe we’re all in some kind of flux, at the whims of our waxing and waning emotional states, trapped between our desire to love and be loved and our desire to fuck and get fucked alike. It'd almost be poetic, if it weren’t so damn sad.

Hmmm. I don’t know if there were enough jokes in this post. Goddamnit. I should’ve talked more about gay dudes and Cher’s butt.

4 Cageheads out of 5.

Raising Arizona (1987)

We're back!

Welcome to Nicolas Uncaged, the only blog on the internet that doesn’t have those recently-leaked pictures of Justin Bieber’s penis.

You clicked on that Bieber penis link, didn’t you? You dirty bird…

This week we are going to be discussing a classic slice of American indie cinema, the one and only, Raising Arizona.

Before we get into the meat of this post (or rather, let the meat of this post into us) I first want to take a paragraph or two to talk about how awesome I think this movie is, just in general. What? I’m not allowed to dispense with the sarcasm for a moment and actually talk about a movie because I enjoyed it? It doesn’t have to be ALL jokes ALL the time, does it?

Oh, it does?

Goddamn it.

Okay, did you watch that clip? Dude, this movie is so much freaking fun! I must’ve seen it at least a dozen times before watching it for Nicolas Uncaged. The slickness of the direction, the pace of the story, the fullness of the characters, the dryness of the humor, the subtly of the performances (Nicolas Cage’s in particular was most certainly a career-defining role and I find it almost unimaginable to picture a different actor in his place and have it be remotely the same movie) and the pitch perfectness of the music – ALL OF IT – make for a piece of art that towers like a monolith above most other films. Especially The Boy in Blue. Goddamn, that movie sucked.

So in case you somehow missed this film 1.) fuck you, you shouldn't be allowed to watch movies, and 2.) here’s a quick recap: Nic Cage plays H.I. McDunnough, a serial felon who spends a lot of his time getting locked up in jail because he's apparently terrible at his job of robbing convenience stores. While being processed into prison, he meets a cop lady named Edwina ‘Ed’ McDunnough played by Holly Hunter. So they fall in love and get married and they're all ready to start a family, except that Ed is barren and can’t have children. Meanwhile, local unpainted wooden furniture magnate Nathan Arizona has quintuplets. H.I. and Ed decide the Arizona's aren't going to miss one kid when they have four more to take care of, so they break into the house and steal Nathan Jr. to raise as their own. Nathan Arizona Sr. puts out a bounty for whoever rescues his child and he hires this crusty-ass bounty hunter named Leonard Smalls aka The Lone Biker of the Apocalypse. Things get even more hectic when H.I.'s buddies break out of jail and decide they want to take the Arizona boy to return him to Nathan for the reward too. Everybody is trying to get their hands on this kid. Shenanigans ensue. 

Whew! The plot sounds more convoluted than it is when typing it out like this. Here’s some music as a palate cleanser:

So like I said, I’ve seen this movie about a dozen times before, but this time, something felt different. Perhaps it’s because I just got out of a very long relationship, perhaps it’s my age, perhaps it’s because I need a gimmick to write the blog post about, but I began to wonder for the first time ever – what would it be like if I had a kid of my own? And since this is a ridiculous comedy blog in which I’m going to run away from expressing any true or genuine emotion (such as how I really feel about getting older and having kids) I’m going to wonder what would happen if Nicolas Cage and I had a kid together. For starters, it might look a little like this:

 

Hmmmm....I wonder what would happen if Nicolas Cage and I and Harry Potter all had a kid together...

Hahaha. That was fun. Can we get a normal baby up in here, please?

That’s better.

Okay, so here I am, raising this baby. Let’s call the baby Nicky Cage. And let’s make my wife not actually Nicolas Cage (because it’d be swordfight city in the bedroom ('cause we're both dudes (the swords are our dicks))) so we’ll call her Nicole Cage. Are we clear?

So, I wonder...what would it be like? To be married? To have a child? To be a real "adult?"

To be perfectly honest, I've never given it much thought in the past. I really feel like I just graduated into adulthood. I'm seriously having a difficult time learning how to clean a bathroom proper or what that crazy packet of full healthcare and retirement plans they hand you when you start a new job means. Shit - I barely even have a "job" to begin with. HOW THE HELL ARE NICOLE CAGE AND I SUPPOSED TO RAISE THIS BABY TOGETHER?

My point is – I guess I'm just a selfish sonofabitch. I feel like it’s A LOT of work just to function as a semi-normal adult. Compound a kid on top of that and now I’m responsible for all of my own adultness plus making sure I don’t fuck up this little person...man...I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it.

Now, I know you're all gonna say “that’ll change with age.” Well, I’m 30 years old. I don’t feel much like a teenager anymore, even though the amount of time I spend laughing at farts and masturbating has in no way diminished over the years. And the waves, up and down, between one day and the next, are feeling less choppy. I'm leveling out. So when exactly is it all supposed to change? When I’m 35? 40? 55? 80?

So now you all say “that’ll change when you meet the right person.” Here's the thing: Nicole Cage is the right person. She's the right person because she's my fictional wife. My paradigm wife. The unobtainable perfect yin to my crooked yang. I created her for this blog post. In essence, she's an extension of me. I am my own right person, and I've know my self my entire life. Am I supposed to meet some girl and be browbeaten into a different way of thinking? Is that how "love" works? I refuse to believe that.

So when am I going to be ready to have kids? Probably never.

But I’m sure there’s a busted condom with my name on it somewhere. And when that day comes, I guess I’ll have no choice. It is what it is. I'll be raising my own Arizona. And there's really nothing wrong with that, right? Maybe that's what transitioning into adulthood and parenthood is all about. Maybe, for some of us, it isn't about taking the bull by the horns, but rather running screaming through the streets of Pamplona. I suppose there's no wrong way to grow-up. As long as we breathe, we're all somewhere along the line in that process. And there's got to be some solace in that. Isn’t that right, Lady MacCage?

How funny are all these Nic Cage pics, huh?

5 Cageheads out of 5.

Peggy Sue Got Married (1986)

So this week we watched Peggy Sue Got Married. And when I say ‘we’ I really mean me. I watched this movie all by myself. Like a big boy. Are you proud of me?

So this is one of those clichéd Kathleen-Turner-is-at-her-25^th-high-school-reunion-and-her-estranged-appliance-selling-husband-played-by-Nicolas-Cage-shows-up-and-she’s-all-like-“Oh-my”-in-her-deep-sultry-Kathleen-Turner-voice-right-before-she-faints-in-front-of-everyone-and-then-wakes-up-transported-back-in-time-to-1960-allowing-her-the-opportunity-to-rediscover-all-the-things-she-originally-loved-about-her-husband-plus-she-gets-to-smoke-reffer-with-the-mysterious-artsy-guy-but-it-turns-out-he-wants-to-move-her-to-a-farm-in-the-midwest-where-he-can-practice-polygamy-because-hey-it’s-the-60’s-free-love-and-all-that-kind-of-stuff tales. You know, that old story.

Peggy Sue Got Locked In a Room Made of Clouds?

Before we move on to whatever asinine tangent I end up going off on, I need to first address Nic Cage’s performance. IT WAS THE BALLS! He plays a juvenile delinquent named Charlie, and although we’ve seen Nicolas Cage play a juvenile delinquent here and here and here and here before, we’ve NEVER seen him play one while putting on a voice like this:

Um...WHAT? THAT’S AWESOME! It’s, like, the perfect nerdy 50’s high school voice. I’m wondering why all the high school kids in this movie don’t have the same voice. They should’ve just overdubbed Nic Cage’s voice over everyone else. Even the music. Just have him hum the score. And he can do all the sound effects too. Like someone turns on a car and he can be “ch-ch-ch-ch-vrrrrooommmomomom” as if the car were a nerdy 50’s high school boy.

 "Ch-ch-ch....do you want to go to prom with me?"

So this movie is all about second chances and if we were given the opportunity, would we make the same choices? Would we make the same mistakes? And it got me thinking, what sort of regrets do I have from my past? If I could go back in time to when I was 18, what would I have done differently? I think if I went back, I'd probably do more drugs and have more unprotected sex. I barely did any drugs in high school and I still turned out a loser. What a waste, right?

 

Really though, let’s indulge this thought. I wonder what it would be like if I fainted while typing this blog post and were magically transported back to my senior year in high school...

[cue dreamy harp music as we fade to hypothetical flashback]

It is April 2001. The World Trade Center still stands. Only 1 person I know has a cell phone. I’ve finally managed to control my boners in class. And in three months, I’m finally going to graduate and marry my high school sweetheart, Nicolas Cage.

Nic Cage: Hey Danger Sue! It’s me your high school sweetheart Nic Cage – er...I mean, Charlie or whatever my character name is.

Me: Hey, Nic Cage.

Nic Cage: Danger Sue, as you know my Backstreet Boys cover band is really taking off. Some record guy is coming to check out our show or something like that. We’re destined for greatness. Here, check it out. Jim Carrey even has a bit part as one of the dudes in my band:

Me: Nah, dawg. I’ve been to the future. Actually, it’s not even the future. It’s the present. This is the past. Anyway, I’ve seen how your “band” turns out and you’re no A.J. McLean. You’re an actor – er...I mean, you’re an appliance salesman. And we’re estranged. I’m a huge fan of your movies, Nicolas Cage, and you don’t even know I exist. You end up fooling around with some chick in your appliance store and it hurts my feelings. I’m gonna go hang out with the artsy kids and we can talk about American Beauty and Magnolia and other artsy film that just got released that are much more thought provoking than this dumb Peggy Sue Got Married nightmare I’m stuck in. The artsy kids smoke cigarettes and are waaaaaaaay coooooler than you.

Nic Cage: Dang!

CUT TO: Later that night. Or maybe, like, a month later or something. I don’t know. Who cares?

Nic Cage: Hey Danger Sue. So my Backstreet Boys cover band didn’t work out.

Me: That’s okay. I love you anyway because I think the movie we’re in needs to end soon.

Nic Cage: Cool. I’m gonna go star in The Family Man now. I think that came out in 2001. I don’t remember exactly.

[cue dreamy harpy music again as we fade into me typing this blog again]

Wha – what happened? I swear I was a senior in high school again. I remember it so vividly! Like I was just typing it now! Whew. I’m so glad I’m back to being 30-years-old again. Life is so much better when you’re older and more mature. You can buy beer and you grow out of laughing at well-timed fart jokes.

 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

Well I guess some things never change.

3 Cageheads out of 5.

The Boy in Blue (1986)

This week on Nicolas Uncaged we watched The Boy in Blue, a movie that finally answers the age-old question, "What the fuck is sculling and why in the hell would anyone want to make a movie about it?"

Well, the latter part of that question I'm afraid I don't have an answer to. As for the former, apparently sculling is just rowboating. I think they just call it sculling because it sounds way more bad-ass than rowing. Like, "Yo! I'm fuckin' sculling over here, you wimpy sonuvabitch! Now get outta my way before I crack your cracker ass with a goddamn oar!" as opposed to some nerdy white guy being all like, "Honey, have you seen my Ralph Lauren loafers? Hunter and I wanted to have a few highballs out on the Schuylkill this afternoon."

What rowboating has to do with that Rambo-looking Nicolas Cage in the movie poster above is beyond me. They were probably just trying to lure some ladies into the theater by teasing some male nipple action. Ladies love male nipple action.

So The Boy in Blue is a pretty straightforward biopic about real life sculler Ned Hanlan, who, in the mid 1870s, was the bad boy of Canada's professional rowing circuit. Yeah, there's a bad boy of professional rowing. There's a boy boy of everything, apparently:

See?

This was Nicolas Cage's first legitimate starring role where he didn't have to share all of his screen time with that dweeby Matthew Modine motherfucker. As far as his performance goes, there has definitely been an evolution in Cage's acting style between Valley Girl a few years back and this. He seems more comfortable on the screen. He seems to command the role, if that makes any sense. He has a way of making the characters he plays become him, as opposed to him melding into the character and The Boy in Blue is really the first glimpse we get at Mr. Cage finally spreading his acting wings.

In the film, he plays the titular 'boy in blue' Ned Hanlan and he was in every single scene of the movie. That is, except for this one:

Oh, sorry. That was something else. Here's an actual clip from the movie:

Oh! Faked you out again! Psych!

So listen, Dear Readers, I'm not going to mince words here. I found this The Boy in Blue movie to be boring as shit. Not actual shit, mind you, which can be somewhat interesting depending on its size and where its located. This movie was as boring as conceptual shit. In fact, the most exciting part of the whole movie was the trailer I just posted above with the raspy narrator and Flash Gordon-style music. I imagine if the real Ned Hanlan were as bad-ass as they say he was, I bet he'd watch this movie and be all like, "What the hell, man? This movie is as boring as conceptual shit." In fact, if he were to walk into the room while I was in the middle of watching the film, I suspect the conversation would've gone a little something like this:

NED

Um, hey, what's going on?

ME

Aaagggh! Who the fuck are you and what are you doing in my apartment?!?

NED

Relax, dude. It's me. Ned Hanlan.

ME

Ned Hanlan? Like the guy in the movie I'm watching?

NED

Um...what the hell is a movie?

ME

You don't know what a movie is?

NED

Bitch, I was born in 1855. How about you stop being such a dick about it and enlighten me.

ME

[pointing to the TV]

Okay, well, there it is...

NED

What the - what kind of witchcraft are you practicing in here, boy?

ME

They don't have TVs where you're from?

NED

Dude, do you think I'd be wasting my goddamn days rowboating around Canada if I had literally anything else to do?

ME

That's a good point. According to the movie, though, you're one of the best scullers to ever live. That's gotta feel pretty good.

NED

[sarcastic]

Yeah. Yippee! I'm the best out of like...9 people. And what is this you're saying? They made a movie about my life?

ME

Hey, I'm just as surprised as you are.

NED

Do you have a problem with my chosen profession? Huh?

ME

No. Of course not. I do have a problem when my journey through the filmography of Nicolas Cage takes a left turn into the steaming pile of horsepoop that is this film.

NED
Who is this Nicolas Cage character you speak of?

ME
Oh man. Ned, he's this totally awesome actor. He's all crazy and animated and shit. He brings a certain...color to the characters he plays. Makes 'em seem both real and hyper-real at the same time, ya know? But then, just when you think you got this guy's style down - he does the old switcheroo on you and he plays a subtle and nuanced character, really digging into what makes a character human. And then - switcharoo again! He's the motherfuckin' GHOST RIDER!

NED
Ghost Rider?

ME
Yeah, fool. Nic Cage is pretty much the shit. I even run a blog on the internet called Nicolas Uncaged where I write these silly, nonsensical, pseudophilosphical posts about his movies.

NED
I don't know what a blog is, nor do I know what the internet is.

ME
The internet is a network of computers that share common information across the entire world and a blog is a page on the internet where a person, such as myself, can post articles about whatever subject they choose. Mine is about Nicolas Cage. And, here's the ironic part, I'm actually writing the blog RIGHT NOW!

NED
How are you writing on it right now? You're sitting in a room talking to me.

ME
No we're not. We're only talking in my imagination. What's actually happening is I'm sitting on my couch on a Friday at 11:08pm and I'm just sorta pulling this entire article out of my ass. I decided to do this meta-reality thing where I reference both you, myself and the blog as if we are all just characters in a blog about a blog...or something like that. It's all very confusing. I just thought it would be funny if I had a conversation with the "real" Ned Hanlan - you - who is actually not the real Ned Hanlan, but rather just my own imagination.

NED
Wow, dude. You really like the sound of your own voice, don't you?

ME
Nice try, man, but you can't rip on me because I'm the one who decides what you say and if I make fun of myself it's self-deprecating and clever and down-to-Earth and shit.

NED
This has all been fun, buddy, but you're wrong about me. I am real. I'm standing right here in front of you.

ME
How can you be real? Huh? The real Ned Hanlan died over 100 years ago. He's dead and buried.

NED
Not quite. I'm undead. And...unburied, I suppose. I'm what you would call a zombie. A flesh-eater. An unholy cannibal brought back to life with Santeria and black magic and stuff like that. I was a sculler back when I was alive and now I'm a monster come here to pop your skull open and scoop out those delicious brains.

ME
Nah. That's stupid.

NED
Excuse me? What's stupid?

ME
The whole zombie-angle-Shyamalan-twist-at-the-end here. It's a stupid way to end this bit.

NED
Huh. Well how do you think it should end? This whole conversation is running a little long. I'm going to assume most people stopped reading waaaaaaaay before they got here. And now you've kinda written yourself into a corner.

ME
I really did, didn't I?

NED
Yeah. So what then? How do we close out the article?

ME
I don't know. You wanna get a bite to eat or something? There's a great 24-hour diner just down the street.

NED
Nice! Do you think they have disco fries there?

ME
Duh.

NED
Sweet, dude. I love me some disco fries.

1 Cagehead out of 5.

Birdy (1984)

Birdy.

A movie about birds. And war. And friendship. And insanity. And...I suppose I don't rightly know. Just watch the trailer:

Okay, so basically it's a movie about Matthew Modine running around flapping his arms like an asshole while a dramatic 80's movie score plays in the background.

But fuck Matthew Modine, right? This is Nicolas Uncaged. Not Matthew Unmodined.

So far we’ve seen Nicolas Cage play a fry cook, a juvenile delinquent, a juvenile delinquent, a juvenile delinquent, and a grown-up delinquent. In Birdy, Mr. Cage FINALLY steps out of his comfort zone and begins to stretch his acting muscle.

Oh wait, he's a juvenile delinquent again.

Hey, at least he’s finally got top billing this time around...

OH WHAT THE FUCK, MODINE? GET YOUR SKINNY ASS OUTTA HERE.

Okay, so this movie came out a while ago and I don’t think it was all that popular back then, and even if it was popular it has long since faded into pop-culture oblivion, meaning that I’m going to assume that you, Person Reading This Post Right Now, have never seen it. That’s too bad, really, because I have a lot of funny stuff I’m planning on talking about here and a lot of it is going to hinge on pivotal plot points in the film and you're not going to have any idea what's going on. And since I'm only planning on making this post around 1000 words, I’m not going to be able to waste the time and space it would take to recap this shit proper. That's all I did that the last post for The Cotton Club and it was boring as fuck for me. I ain't doing it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, who gives a shit about me, right? This blog has Nicolas Cage’s name written all over it. Who cares what I'm thinking? But guess what, Hypothetical Reader? Cage is probably in Hollywood somewhere doing a line of coke off a hookers poop ring and he has no idea this blog even exists. I’m the one sitting here on my couch watching all these movies and spending all this time writing about it. I could be writing other things. Or doing coke off a hooker’s poop ring. So excuse me if I don’t feel like using this forum to rehash the plot of something you can easily look up yourself on Rotten Tomatoes.

See that picture. See how angry I am? I've got a threatening balled fist and everything.

Huh? What’d you just say? YOU’RE LEAVING?!?

Look, I wasn’t yelling at you, I was yelling with you. 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S NOT A THING?!

Fine, fine. If I do a quick synopsis, will you stay and read the rest of my post?

Good

fucker

So in this movie, Cage and Modine play Al and Birdy. They're best friends who live in Philadelphia and Cage is all smooth with the ladies and shit like he is in every movie, but Modine is this nerdy fuck who’s totally in love with birds. I’m not even speaking figuratively. The dude is actually sexually attracted to birds.

Uh-oh. I think I’m getting a strange feeling for birds too.

Look, I'm not judging the guy for his choice of lifestyle. Modine wants to strip butt-naked and french kiss a canary in a bedroom in his parent's house, that's nobody's business but his and the birds. Is this not America? Doesn't he deserve the same right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness that's afforded to everyone else? #legalizebirdmarriage2013

So Al and Birdy get into shenanigans around town, most of it involving birds or bird-related stuff, bird hunting, dressing up like birds, climbing telephone poles, crapping on people, etc. Birdy builds these wing out of garbage and tries to fly and it looks like it’s going to work for a second, but he ends up landing face fist in this puddle of dirty junkyard water. It was a pretty cool scene, even though it was one of those magical moments that can only happen in a movie. In real life, you’d be all like “enjoy your dysentery, bitch.”

Eventually, Birdy and Al get shipped off to Viet-goddamn-Nam. They undergo the horrors of war and shit. They survive, but not without scars. Cage has a bandage covering his whole face except his eyes and part of his cheek, which I think was supposed to imply he has a horrible facial disfigurement under there, but I suspect that they didn’t actually carve up the actor’s face. Birdy’s scars are of the psychological variety and now the dude is locked up in an insane asylum and he actually thinks he’s a bird. This really begs the question though, what makes a bird a bird? Is it the wings and feathers and biology and shit, or is it, ya know, thinking you’re a bird? More importantly than that, what does that mean for our quest to legalize bird marriage? #legalizebirdmarriage2013

Here's a video of Nicolas Cage's best speech from the film:

Um...yeah. War is hell. I believe what this movie is really saying is that if you go to war, you’re probably going to become a bird. Hey, speaking of bird’s and hell and stuff like that, did you guys know that Snuffleupagus was Big Birds imaginary friend? No shit. Big Bird was the only one who saw him for years and years. Then, in the 17^th season of the show, Big Bird decided that he wanted the adults and Elmo and stuff to see Snuffleupagus too so he arranged to have them meet. And, they did. The people in the “real” world met Big Bird’s imaginary friend. Big Bird literally willed this fucked-up wooly mammoth into existence. That's a pretty profound! It's stuff like that that makes me wonder: What is self? Can I be a dream of someone else? And if I am, does that preclude me from actually existing? All of this in a preschoolers television show.

Big Bird meets Snuffy for the very first time.

Not to get off topic, but after watching that Sesame Street clip above, I'm pretty sure that Snuffleupagus is on heroin. And he talks just like Ronald Regan. Shit, man, he's kinda freaking me out. Like, if I were to bring a being into existence, it certainly wouldn't be this Regan-voiced elephant junkie creature. If I were creating monsters, it'd probably be a chick made out of 8000 boobs. And she'd be all super horny and be ready for sex, like, on demand. And I wouldn't let that little wienerhead Elmo anywhere near her because she'd be all like "Awwwwww" every time he comes around and I'd be standing there with my boner in my hand thinking "Look lady, I didn't just spontaneously will you into consciousness so you could dote on this lispy red muppet." Then Elmo would make a sad face and I'd think he was cute too and I'd feel bad for badmouthing him.

So let's get back to Nic Cage, shall we?

When I heard the title Birdy, I pictured something a little more akin to this:

I'm not going to lie, if there were a movie where Nicolas Cage had a falcon instead of hair, I'd probably give at least 2 months worth of pay to see it. Birdy 2. This time, Nic Cage is Birdy and he has a bird for hair and they go on many adventures together. Sort of like Bill & Ted meet Big Trouble in Little China. Except with more bird hair.

All in all, this was quite an enjoyable movie. Probably the best one I've seen since Nicolas Uncaged began. If you get a chance to see it, I suggest you do. If you don't get a chance to see it, consider donating a few dollars to help our cause anyway:

#legalizebirdmarriage2013

 

4 Cageheads out of 5.